Memories are like roots. The good ones, we want to keep for the rest of our lives. The bad ones or so it seems we want to dig up so we can forget them. But the problem is that’s why they’re called memories. They’re meant to be remembered.
Why would one want to forget anyway? Is it because the pain is too much to bear or has it betrayed you to your very core? Is it because you also want to forget the person who caused it? Or is it because you just don’t want to make the same mistake again? Remembering can be tough and it can be painful. But it is also helpful and at times, therapeutic.
In remembering our past, we realize that we may have done some terrible mistakes which will not be undone. In it, we are also warned not to do the same thing to avoid hurting yourself or others. But you see, we are a stubborn race. Sometimes, we never learn our lesson until it hurts beyond comprehension. And then, we learn our lesson the hard way. And whether we admit it or not, we learn best that way.
A person with a terrible past or a very painful experience, whether it was his fault or of others, finds it difficult to let go. It is a difficult thing to do. Letting go means you will have to forgive what has been done to you and you also, must forgive yourself. It means you go on living even if the past was as dark as midnight, as murky as the muddy waters of the pond, as blurry as a foggy afternoon on a cold mountain. Living again after a painful experience is difficult because we have become comfortable with pitying ourselves and having others pity us as well. And one may become oblivious to this truth but it can be manipulative. And it is a dangerous path to take. I should know. I had traversed that path to the ruin of myself and i believe of others. And my, how difficult it was to let it go. The tears on my pillow at night; the silent groaning of my heart when the sensitive nerve is struck; the bitterness of my thoughts; the feeling of rejection and unworthiness; the aching within tormenting me day and night and what's worse, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about it. I have kept the pain deep within and it poisoned me.
But as the Scriptures so vividly describe it, i found my strength in them. I found my words of bitterness; of being unwanted; of being unchosen from the Scripture. God has delivered me. God has enabled me to look into His Word and there find comfort. I didn't understand them all. Sometimes, i felt just like mechanically flipping throughout the pages and tears slowly fall down from face wetting paper. But God's grace sustained me. There was no one else to call. No one else to cry to. No one who is available 24/7. Only Jesus. In a way, i would claim that the dark moments of my life is where i am closest to the Lord; that the periods of testing were His ways of teaching me to walk more intimately with Him. Because if i don't, i would really get messed up and well, i would turn to Him in the end. Why not do it earlier?
However we may see it, there is an interesting end in all our experiences in life. In his book, the Grand Weaver, Ravi Zacharias carefully lays out the Sovereignty of God in the details of our lives. It's like we're being woven into a tapestry of great design and beauty. But when you turn it over, you will find all the chaos and looses and the turns of the thread like there's really nothing beautiful to look at. That would really be frustrating especially when the work is not done yet. But, trusting the heart of the One who knows and holds the future, changes it all.
There’s a devotional reading online which I subscribed to and there’s one particular write up about brokenness that struck me. It says,
“Despite broken roads and secondary paths, God is forever showing that the destination is unchanging, and in the end, "God's best" comes into our lives not because of our own careful steps toward the divine but because of divine steps toward us. The God of the Christian is one whose plans are all-encompassing, whose arm is not too short to save, who goes the extra mile, and who takes every detour without mention, that even one will not remain lost. - Jill Carratini”
I could never agree more to Carratini's choice of words. My only comfort in this world of despair is this: I know that my Redeemer lives and because He lives, i can face tomorrow. Because He lives, i have hope. Because He lives, i know i am loved. That is really worth letting go for. The One who asks me to let go is the One who will never let go of me. Isn't that amazing?
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