they say that when a heart is broken, it would take years for healing to be complete... i would agree to this statement...
years before the second heartbreak, i had the first. it took me two years to get past the pain and not shed tears anymore and i guess another two so my heart would be fully ready to love again... up until now, i still wonder what went wrong between us two. was i not good enough? was i not beautiful enough? was i too demanding? was i not loving enough? was i not sweet enough? these were some of the questions that i felt need answering but the answers never came only another shot at love...
this time, it happened all too suddenly i couldn't believe i was in for a fall. and fall i did but i chose to go through it. i thought, maybe this time it would different... maybe this time it would be true... maybe this time, it would last.. . maybe i would really have a chance at loving and being truly loved... but those dreams and thoughts turned to dust... they just shattered at the point of coming to terms that i have not been chosen... oh what tragedy a choice can sometimes make... and it was more than tragic for me... it was like death coming to fetch me so that i would be no more... it is not an exaggeration... it is a simile...
now the questions are - where did i go wrong? what have i done? was i not thinking? is this not God's will? will i never be happy in this aspect of my life? will i stay unloved and unchosen for the rest of my life? am i still not good enough? am i still not beautiful enough?
and now i face the inevitable agony of learning to live again after a second heartbreak... my heart is still shattered and i find it difficult to come to terms with my lot... still, i look up to the One who is able to heal my heart completely... i cannot say i made the wrong choice... loving has opened my eyes to the joy of seeing the person the way God sees him... but maybe i have seen him too much.. for comfort and i have failed to look to the One who has always watched over me... was it God's will for me to go through the pain again? i believe so... it would not have happened if it wasn't... and i would not have learned some important lessons about love and life... nor would have i re-learned those things that kept me alive and sane... it wasn't easy going through the same ordeal again and yet, somehow i knew i would be able to... my only regret is that i had lost my control of my words... and they hurt the one i loved and more than that, i hurt myself all the more... some pain can really be brought upon the self... and they are not good ones...
however, on a positive side, i am thankful for what happened for it taught me to be human... it woke me up to the reality that i am not exempted from feeling pain or going through it but that i am likely to be a candidate for it whenever i take the risk of loving someone...
pain cannot be avoided when one loves and while there is a promise of joy and comfort and bliss, there is also the threat of failure, heartbreak and betrayal. pain and loving go together whether for the one who is loved and the one who loves...it's just the way it is...
