for all the joy i had with you, let me cry
for all the pain that i went through
sleepless nights and troubled days
when my heart ached more than i can take
let me cry
the memories haunt me
the future taunts me
the present looms as if it will last
let the tears fall fast and let them dry
if they must
let me cry for all that i had thought we would be
let me cry for all that i dreamed there would be
let me cry lest i die
let me cry for healing
let me cry for mending
the past will still be there
the future is still unclear
let me cry today
maybe tomorrow i might see
that the past can no longer hold me
and the future unfolds slowly
let me cry for tomorrow
let me cry for yesterday
let me cry for 'tis the only way i know
my heart will still beat life no matter how slow
when i cry don't tell me to stop
let me cry to dry the teardrops
when it's over, when it's done
on my face a smile will dawn
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
in the shadow of death
a few days ago, the news spread that the place where i am is becoming unsafe for ladies who always travel alone. a number of robbery & murder incidents have been reported to the police and these crimes were done in broad daylight by those bikers who are riding in tandem. it's creepy... i believe the news tells us that the rate of tourism has decreased due to these incidents...
in neighboring provinces, bombings and cases of ambush were reported... but i had to go to one of them places... and i ask, will i return alive? i imagine what will happen when things get rough... i'm pretty sure i would buried somewhere unknown to my family and well, nobody would care except some friends who knew where i was going...
i grew up fearless (sort of) in going to places - some safe, some a bit unsafe... i guess i acquired it from my mother. She used to bring me with her in her night classes down town - a seven-kilometer walk at dusk and then another seven kilometers when her classes end at about nine or ten in the evening. I was four or five years old then and i loved those times with Mama. we had some creepy experiences together... once, we got to meet two armed men who were members of the rebels hiding somewhere in the mountains near our place... they escorted us to our home and told mama not to be walking around at night with a kid... it's a dangerous thing to do... but we did it again anyway... i don't remember meeting those guys again though. another time, we were haunted by some weird creatures... we had to pee on the road side but there was this huge dog staring at us which appeared from nowhere... i peed anyway... and stared into its eyes while reciting Psalm 23... when the moon is out, we would prepare dried coconut leaves, tie them together and hide them in bushes a few meters after another so we wouldn't go walking in the dark for we have torches... i would say that my mother is one brave woman and while i get to be brave in one way or another, i find myself thinking if i would have the same courage she had... i probably won't...
there was a time in our family life when we were threatened by a neighbor who carried a gun outside our church... he was very drunk and he really wanted to hurt us... Mama stood by the door locked by a piece of nail holding the only knife in the house which was very dull... i smile when i remember that fateful day when i was in high school... i really didn't think mama's knife would save us from the gun... but i knew she would protect us with her life...
some days in my work are pretty dangerous and uncertain... the places i go to and the company i have while travelling (i am mostly alone) do not assure me of a safe arrival... yet, somewhere in the deepest corners of my heart, i know that the One who has kept me safe and who has walked with me ever since i was reborn in Him, will never allow anything to happen if it is not part of His will... that has always been my principle... and yes, even though i walk in the shadow of death, i will fear not evil, for You, my God are with me...
in neighboring provinces, bombings and cases of ambush were reported... but i had to go to one of them places... and i ask, will i return alive? i imagine what will happen when things get rough... i'm pretty sure i would buried somewhere unknown to my family and well, nobody would care except some friends who knew where i was going...
i grew up fearless (sort of) in going to places - some safe, some a bit unsafe... i guess i acquired it from my mother. She used to bring me with her in her night classes down town - a seven-kilometer walk at dusk and then another seven kilometers when her classes end at about nine or ten in the evening. I was four or five years old then and i loved those times with Mama. we had some creepy experiences together... once, we got to meet two armed men who were members of the rebels hiding somewhere in the mountains near our place... they escorted us to our home and told mama not to be walking around at night with a kid... it's a dangerous thing to do... but we did it again anyway... i don't remember meeting those guys again though. another time, we were haunted by some weird creatures... we had to pee on the road side but there was this huge dog staring at us which appeared from nowhere... i peed anyway... and stared into its eyes while reciting Psalm 23... when the moon is out, we would prepare dried coconut leaves, tie them together and hide them in bushes a few meters after another so we wouldn't go walking in the dark for we have torches... i would say that my mother is one brave woman and while i get to be brave in one way or another, i find myself thinking if i would have the same courage she had... i probably won't...
there was a time in our family life when we were threatened by a neighbor who carried a gun outside our church... he was very drunk and he really wanted to hurt us... Mama stood by the door locked by a piece of nail holding the only knife in the house which was very dull... i smile when i remember that fateful day when i was in high school... i really didn't think mama's knife would save us from the gun... but i knew she would protect us with her life...
some days in my work are pretty dangerous and uncertain... the places i go to and the company i have while travelling (i am mostly alone) do not assure me of a safe arrival... yet, somewhere in the deepest corners of my heart, i know that the One who has kept me safe and who has walked with me ever since i was reborn in Him, will never allow anything to happen if it is not part of His will... that has always been my principle... and yes, even though i walk in the shadow of death, i will fear not evil, for You, my God are with me...
Thursday, February 23, 2012
some good things never last...
and the best thing to do when you find something good is to enjoy each day it is with you and never let anyone take that happiness away...
maybe some things are worth celebrating... some are worth keeping... some are to be thrown away, others buried and some forgotten. but one thing is certain and sure to happen... no matter how beautiful, no matter how grand, how wonderful the feeling, how perfect it may seem... they will all come to an end.
whichever way you like it and however you try to stop it, some things - good things will end... why? because there are only two permanent things in this world - God and change. all the others are temporary. they will end and there's no way to stop the endings.
i sound like a hopeless gal in the middle of nowhere trying to find reason why good things end. i'm pretty sure somebody would feel the same way... but i don't want to be hopeless. in fact, i'm very hope-filled. i hope that after the good things end, better things will come and then after they end as well, the best things will come. but it doesn't usually operate that way. and however painful it becomes, reality hits, strikes and bites you... and then the tears, the gripping pain, the sleepless nights... the what ifs and if onlys... and if you're not standing on solid ground, on a strong foundation, you will cry and there will be no end to your pain...
how does one really cope up with the pain of good things ending? how does one go from letting go to moving on? only in this... to trust in the Lord that He will bring an end to whatever pain or hurt the ending has brought upon you... the Psalmist says, "I'm still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." there is hope in the devastating effect of endings... a hope that every ending is a door to another beginning and the cycle goes on and on... and hope remains... kindling the heart with warmth and anticipation of other good things in store in the future...
maybe some things are worth celebrating... some are worth keeping... some are to be thrown away, others buried and some forgotten. but one thing is certain and sure to happen... no matter how beautiful, no matter how grand, how wonderful the feeling, how perfect it may seem... they will all come to an end.
whichever way you like it and however you try to stop it, some things - good things will end... why? because there are only two permanent things in this world - God and change. all the others are temporary. they will end and there's no way to stop the endings.
i sound like a hopeless gal in the middle of nowhere trying to find reason why good things end. i'm pretty sure somebody would feel the same way... but i don't want to be hopeless. in fact, i'm very hope-filled. i hope that after the good things end, better things will come and then after they end as well, the best things will come. but it doesn't usually operate that way. and however painful it becomes, reality hits, strikes and bites you... and then the tears, the gripping pain, the sleepless nights... the what ifs and if onlys... and if you're not standing on solid ground, on a strong foundation, you will cry and there will be no end to your pain...
how does one really cope up with the pain of good things ending? how does one go from letting go to moving on? only in this... to trust in the Lord that He will bring an end to whatever pain or hurt the ending has brought upon you... the Psalmist says, "I'm still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." there is hope in the devastating effect of endings... a hope that every ending is a door to another beginning and the cycle goes on and on... and hope remains... kindling the heart with warmth and anticipation of other good things in store in the future...
Monday, February 20, 2012
letting go...
Some roots go deep. They are difficult to dig up - difficult but not impossible.
Memories are like roots. The good ones, we want to keep for the rest of our lives. The bad ones or so it seems we want to dig up so we can forget them. But the problem is that’s why they’re called memories. They’re meant to be remembered.
Why would one want to forget anyway? Is it because the pain is too much to bear or has it betrayed you to your very core? Is it because you also want to forget the person who caused it? Or is it because you just don’t want to make the same mistake again? Remembering can be tough and it can be painful. But it is also helpful and at times, therapeutic.
In remembering our past, we realize that we may have done some terrible mistakes which will not be undone. In it, we are also warned not to do the same thing to avoid hurting yourself or others. But you see, we are a stubborn race. Sometimes, we never learn our lesson until it hurts beyond comprehension. And then, we learn our lesson the hard way. And whether we admit it or not, we learn best that way.
A person with a terrible past or a very painful experience, whether it was his fault or of others, finds it difficult to let go. It is a difficult thing to do. Letting go means you will have to forgive what has been done to you and you also, must forgive yourself. It means you go on living even if the past was as dark as midnight, as murky as the muddy waters of the pond, as blurry as a foggy afternoon on a cold mountain. Living again after a painful experience is difficult because we have become comfortable with pitying ourselves and having others pity us as well. And one may become oblivious to this truth but it can be manipulative. And it is a dangerous path to take. I should know. I had traversed that path to the ruin of myself and i believe of others. And my, how difficult it was to let it go. The tears on my pillow at night; the silent groaning of my heart when the sensitive nerve is struck; the bitterness of my thoughts; the feeling of rejection and unworthiness; the aching within tormenting me day and night and what's worse, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about it. I have kept the pain deep within and it poisoned me.
But as the Scriptures so vividly describe it, i found my strength in them. I found my words of bitterness; of being unwanted; of being unchosen from the Scripture. God has delivered me. God has enabled me to look into His Word and there find comfort. I didn't understand them all. Sometimes, i felt just like mechanically flipping throughout the pages and tears slowly fall down from face wetting paper. But God's grace sustained me. There was no one else to call. No one else to cry to. No one who is available 24/7. Only Jesus. In a way, i would claim that the dark moments of my life is where i am closest to the Lord; that the periods of testing were His ways of teaching me to walk more intimately with Him. Because if i don't, i would really get messed up and well, i would turn to Him in the end. Why not do it earlier?
However we may see it, there is an interesting end in all our experiences in life. In his book, the Grand Weaver, Ravi Zacharias carefully lays out the Sovereignty of God in the details of our lives. It's like we're being woven into a tapestry of great design and beauty. But when you turn it over, you will find all the chaos and looses and the turns of the thread like there's really nothing beautiful to look at. That would really be frustrating especially when the work is not done yet. But, trusting the heart of the One who knows and holds the future, changes it all.
There’s a devotional reading online which I subscribed to and there’s one particular write up about brokenness that struck me. It says,
I could never agree more to Carratini's choice of words. My only comfort in this world of despair is this: I know that my Redeemer lives and because He lives, i can face tomorrow. Because He lives, i have hope. Because He lives, i know i am loved. That is really worth letting go for. The One who asks me to let go is the One who will never let go of me. Isn't that amazing?
Memories are like roots. The good ones, we want to keep for the rest of our lives. The bad ones or so it seems we want to dig up so we can forget them. But the problem is that’s why they’re called memories. They’re meant to be remembered.
Why would one want to forget anyway? Is it because the pain is too much to bear or has it betrayed you to your very core? Is it because you also want to forget the person who caused it? Or is it because you just don’t want to make the same mistake again? Remembering can be tough and it can be painful. But it is also helpful and at times, therapeutic.
In remembering our past, we realize that we may have done some terrible mistakes which will not be undone. In it, we are also warned not to do the same thing to avoid hurting yourself or others. But you see, we are a stubborn race. Sometimes, we never learn our lesson until it hurts beyond comprehension. And then, we learn our lesson the hard way. And whether we admit it or not, we learn best that way.
A person with a terrible past or a very painful experience, whether it was his fault or of others, finds it difficult to let go. It is a difficult thing to do. Letting go means you will have to forgive what has been done to you and you also, must forgive yourself. It means you go on living even if the past was as dark as midnight, as murky as the muddy waters of the pond, as blurry as a foggy afternoon on a cold mountain. Living again after a painful experience is difficult because we have become comfortable with pitying ourselves and having others pity us as well. And one may become oblivious to this truth but it can be manipulative. And it is a dangerous path to take. I should know. I had traversed that path to the ruin of myself and i believe of others. And my, how difficult it was to let it go. The tears on my pillow at night; the silent groaning of my heart when the sensitive nerve is struck; the bitterness of my thoughts; the feeling of rejection and unworthiness; the aching within tormenting me day and night and what's worse, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone about it. I have kept the pain deep within and it poisoned me.
But as the Scriptures so vividly describe it, i found my strength in them. I found my words of bitterness; of being unwanted; of being unchosen from the Scripture. God has delivered me. God has enabled me to look into His Word and there find comfort. I didn't understand them all. Sometimes, i felt just like mechanically flipping throughout the pages and tears slowly fall down from face wetting paper. But God's grace sustained me. There was no one else to call. No one else to cry to. No one who is available 24/7. Only Jesus. In a way, i would claim that the dark moments of my life is where i am closest to the Lord; that the periods of testing were His ways of teaching me to walk more intimately with Him. Because if i don't, i would really get messed up and well, i would turn to Him in the end. Why not do it earlier?
However we may see it, there is an interesting end in all our experiences in life. In his book, the Grand Weaver, Ravi Zacharias carefully lays out the Sovereignty of God in the details of our lives. It's like we're being woven into a tapestry of great design and beauty. But when you turn it over, you will find all the chaos and looses and the turns of the thread like there's really nothing beautiful to look at. That would really be frustrating especially when the work is not done yet. But, trusting the heart of the One who knows and holds the future, changes it all.
There’s a devotional reading online which I subscribed to and there’s one particular write up about brokenness that struck me. It says,
“Despite broken roads and secondary paths, God is forever showing that the destination is unchanging, and in the end, "God's best" comes into our lives not because of our own careful steps toward the divine but because of divine steps toward us. The God of the Christian is one whose plans are all-encompassing, whose arm is not too short to save, who goes the extra mile, and who takes every detour without mention, that even one will not remain lost. - Jill Carratini”
I could never agree more to Carratini's choice of words. My only comfort in this world of despair is this: I know that my Redeemer lives and because He lives, i can face tomorrow. Because He lives, i have hope. Because He lives, i know i am loved. That is really worth letting go for. The One who asks me to let go is the One who will never let go of me. Isn't that amazing?
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